Say Hello to my Home. "Hello, Home."

For the now five of you who read my blog, and the one of you (Alanna) who hasn't seen my new house yet, I now present to you.... my new house.

When You Live With Your Sister

I finally grew up and moved out of my parents' house; and now I've been a grown up for 3 months and 12 days. However, I still live with my sister - we bought a place together. But we will never have cats.

Sometimes she listens to books on tape - while doing dishes, cleaning, or whatever. These are not educational books, but romances. I try to be out of ear shot during these times. One she played recently had a high cheese factor, confirmed when the main character said, "Well, screw you... just... screw you."

We see each other quite a lot, resulting in me needing some time away from the house. And we may argue more than we did before we moved out; or maybe she just bosses me around more. Perhaps her words best describe our relationship some days:

"She knows everything about me; I have nothing to say to her."

Well, screw you... just... screw you.

Stee-RANGE-est Call of the Week Thus Far

Setting: Work
Time: 11ish
Note: One name has been changed to Bob Smith because people apparently shouldn't blog about other people they work with. And 'Bob Smith' is a common substitute.


Lisa: It's a great day at Realty Executives, how may I direct your call?
Old Man Caller: Well, damned if I know!! Someone left a message on my answering machine.

Lisa: Did they leave a name?
OMC: Nope! No name.... it kinda sounded like my son.

Lisa: Oh, what's your son's name?
OMC: Bob. Bob Smith.

Lisa: Well, Bob does work at this office. I'll put you through to him.

Welcome to the Realness

This article appeared in SoJoMail today and was written by Titilayo Tinubu, where it originally appeared on her blog, www.titilayotalks.blogspot.com.


Naked and Unashamed

My first "F" ever was on a paper that I wrote for my Advanced Composition class freshman year at Spelman College. I say "ever," and I truly believe that. I don't recall ever getting low grades on many assignments and especially not English. Needless to say, that experience broke me down and caused me to rethink some things. To understand why, you'll have to know the reason why Dr. Gebre-Hewitt gave me that grade (or, more responsibly said, the reason why I earned that "F"). It was not because of grammar mistakes, broken syntax, or poor transitions. It wasn't even because I turned it in late (which I often did). According to my professor, I earned that "F" because I was not writing the truth, and the first law of every writer should be to speak his or her truth. Sure, the paper was pretty, it was perfect, it was exactly according to the instructions that she had given in the previous class, but it wasn't the TRUTH. Somehow she knew that I was writing for her and for the grade and not as an expression of my unique voice. And for that, she broke me down.

How many of us live our lives like that? How many of us work arduously to perfect the external all the while neglecting the truth of who we are? How many of us spend the bulk of our lives in pretense, only to end up being "pretty, perfect, and just what others ask for" but not the TRUTH?

The recurring theme in my life as of lately has been intimacy, genuineness, honesty and truth. Lately I've found myself asking questions like: Who in my life can I be true with? Who in my life offers opportunities for me to be true with them, and why don't I take them? Why won't I just be true with everyone? And here's the biggie: What is it that I am afraid of?

At the heart of this and every insecurity is an underlying fear. And I believe that we do ourselves a disservice when we don't examine and judge our souls to make sure that those fears don't dominate our lives and sabotage any real attempts to genuine community and relationship. I know that there are things about me that are downright ugly and imperfect, and it makes me woozy on the inside when I even think of having to one day open up and share. But in a bright corner of that same deep place, I know that it is good.

Do you have people in your life who push you? People in your life who stretch you? People in your life who ask you the hard questions and stare blankly and patiently into your eyes (or wait quietly on the other end of the phone) until you present an honest and genuine answer?

Friends, God is growing something in me. God is shaping me and molding me for something beautiful that will require the bare, naked, uncensored and untamed Titilayo in all her glory. And though that frightens me to the very core of my being, it's something beautiful.

What if, just WHAT IF, we were designed to experience a deeper and more intimate fellowship with one another than fear of rejection and insecurity have allowed us to experience? What if?

Just what if uncomfortable conversations, confrontations that birth transformations and agreeable disagreements were supposed to be the mark of our relationships instead of political correctness, avoidance, and cowardly shrinking back? What if we learned to appreciate the rawness of one another and chose to forsake our attempts to cover up those deep, hard and uncharted places where relational depth lies?

I can't speak for you and your relationships. I can only speak for mine. And I will say that I long for a deeper experience with those I call "friend" since God apparently considered it good that we cross paths. I know, have been a part of, and have observed perfected phoniness long enough, and I believe that it is time to move past the niceness and embrace the ugly. I think it's time to truly test our love for the often unlovable people that each of us can be, and press out of our comfort zones that would have us lazily maintain relationships that lack depth and substance.

I have been guilty of this, but I have also seen a glimpse of the enrichment and growth that comes from being and expressing truth. And in doing this, in pressing to those deep places with one another, in simply going there, we experience a connectedness, mutual responsibility and ownership that affirms our humanness like never before.

I became more human today. This invisible light bulb went off that illuminated something that has always been, yet I never noticed. It shined light on the fact that I am inextricably tied to the hurt, pain, joy, sadness, glee, blessing, suffering of others, and people, more than anything else should be handled with care.

Now, you may not want to be my (real or virtual) friend after this. But if you happen to be one of the crazy people who still do, (drumroll please...) welcome to the realness.

Expect to hear the tough questions from me. Expect me to pry to those inner places and push beyond the surface, politically correct, and often trite answers. Expect me to go there with you, and I plead you, I beg of you to go there with me.I promise: we will all be better for it. And in doing so we'll experience a deeper level of humanness that counters the lie that we're in this alone, and affirms the reality that we were made to be in this together.

So step into this scary, frightening, freeing, uncertain, pure, honest place with me. Get naked with me, will you?

Defrost Me

Lisa's newest theory:

Once your car's rear defrost turns itself off, you should turn it on again and it will keep your car warmer.

Take it from someone whose car hasn't been warming up in these sub-zero temperatures... she knows.

The Worst Day of the Year, Or the Most Heartless Thing Said to Me All Year

Date: January 30 2006

Time: 2:58pm

Heard: "So........ what are you doing on Valentine's Day......?"

My Response: "Nothing. Giving blood." (Followed by tears.)

What Lisa might as well have said: "So..... you're still single?"

(Actually, it wasn't so bad at all, but much more funny. There weren't any tears, I just thought it would be funny to quote and make Lisa feel really guilty. In fact, her husband has to be out of town that week and this was her preface to asking if I wanted to hang out on the 14th. It's going to be a night of death.... by chocolate, that is.)

My Joy and My Inspiration

My favorite thing is to go where I've never been.

- Diane Arbus (1923-1971)

The Hardest Part (A Sort of Therapy for Me)

The Hardest Part - Coldplay

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
Was the hardest part

And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

I could feel it go down
Bittersweet, I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the cloud
Oh and I
I wish that I could work it out

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
You really broke my heart

And I tried to sing
But I couldn't think of anything
And that was the hardest part

I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
You're a silver lining the clouds
Oh and I
Oh and I
I wonder what it's all about
I wonder what it's all about

Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do, it just comes undone
And everything is torn apart

Oh and it's the hardest part
That's the hardest part
Yeah that's the hardest part
That's the hardest part

Mizar Helmet Lice

Who knew that the letters of my first and last name could be rearranged to form at least 500 anagrams? Yesterday's Site of the Day has an anagram generator.... just in case you want to know what your names spell too!

Here's some more of mine.....

Maize hermit cell
Maize chill meter
Hell metric maize
Maize retch me ill
Haze metric me ill
Haze mimic teller
Czar theme millie

Why I Love Music So Much

There's something about hearing songs that relate to your situation. At times they confirm exactly what you've been feeling, and sometimes they may help you to see things from an angle which you had previously missed. Damien Rice's music does that for me - it's full of so much raw emotion and helps me to deal with my own. Allow me to introduce to you his songs "Delicate" (which I can relate to very well) and "Volcano" (which helps me see things from another perspective). To me, Delicate is the She Said and Volcano is the He Said. Both are helpful because they help me grieve a loss. Of course, the music adds so much to the lyrics, but the lyrics are enough.

Delicate

we might kiss
when we are alone
when nobody’s watchin’
we might take it home
we might make out
when nobody's there
it's not that we're scared
it's just that it's delicate
so why d’ya fill my sorrow
with the words you've borrowed
from the only place you've known
why d’ya sing hallelujah
if it means nothin’ to ya
why d’ya sing with me at all?
we might live
like never before
when there's nothin’ to give
how can we ask for more?
we might make love
in some sacred place
that look on your face
is delicate
so why d’ya fill my sorrow
with the words you've borrowed
from the only place you've known
why d’ya sing hallelujah
if it means nothin’ to ya
why d’ya sing with me at all?

Volcano

don't hold yourself like that you'll hurt your knees
i kissed your mouth & back that's all i need
don't build your world around volcanoes melt you down
what i am to you is not real
what i am to you you do not need
what i am to you is not what you mean to me
you give me miles and miles of mountains
and i’ll ask for the sea
don't throw yourself like that in front of me
i kissed your mouth your back is that all you need?
don't drag my love around volcanoes melt me down
what i am to you is not real
what i am to you you do not need
what i am to you is not what you mean to me
you give me miles and miles of mountains
and i’ll ask for the sea
what i give to you is just what i’m going through
this is nothing new no no just another phase of finding
what i really need is what makes me bleed
and like a new disease she’s still too you to treat
volcanoes melt me down
she’s still too young
i kissed your mouth
you do not need me

Damien Rice's music can be found at www.damienrice.com. His cd "O" is one of the best I own.

Ode to the Nice Girl

Because it's copyrighted, I won't reprint it here..... but check out this link to read an Ode to the Nice Girl - written because a nice girl finally snapped. I found it on the Best of Craigslist.

Hmmmm..... is it obvious that I've been burned recently?

God's Creation Blog

Don't we all want to know just what exactly went on during the week of Creation? Now we can!

Check out God's Creation Blog!

Sounds Fischy! (But This is a Good Fischy)

I've come across a few new things this morning that I'd love to share with y'all. A friend of mine sent me an article from a website called The Fischtank and today I read it and delved into the contents of the site, which is written by a musician and author named John Fischer. It has various news, tidbits, and thoughts to ponder. So far my favorites are his Articles and In The Tank thoughts, both of which can be commented on. The said article is called Fearless Faith and is an excerpt from his book of the same name. He's written some useful and thought-provoking articles that I think I'll enjoy for a long time to come, so I've placed a link to his homepage under my "Stuff I Read."

The World Vision AIDS Test

Click here to test your knowledge of AIDS around the world.

You might be surprised.

I Love in the Abstract

"It is not love in the abstract that counts. Men have loved a cause as they have loved a woman. They have loved the brotherhood, the workers, the poor, the oppressed - but they have not loved [humanity]; they have not loved the least of these. They have not loved "personally." It is hard to love. It is the hardest thing in the world, naturally speaking. Have you ever read Tolstoy's Resurrection? He tells of political prisoners in a long prison train, enduring chains and persecution for the love of their brothers, ignoring those same brothers on a long trek to Siberia. It is never the brothers right next to us, but the brothers in the abstract that are easy to love."
- Dorothy Day, social activist and founder of the Catholic Worker movement. Nov. 29 was the 25th anniversary of Day's death. (Sojo Mail's source: Daily Dig.)

And Sometimes I'm Perplexed

It's been forever, I know. And I'm sorry. Man, the way you guys want new posts from me makes me feel so popular! Thanks! ;) I do have some things to say, but there's so much in my brain that's jumbled lately, thoughts on this and that, but not very many conclusions. And I hate to leave you without conclusions, but maybe it's okay to do that sometimes. I guess that's what we do here anyway: we post stuff and then have little discussions in comment form. I didn't want my page to be a "This is the be-all and end-all and that's that" type of blog, but just various things I think about, like (or maybe don't like), and want to share with those I like.... which is YOU!

So today's post is part rant, part awareness raising, and partly random thoughts.

1. Who ever came up with the notion of, "I can love so and so, but I don't have to like them"? Do we think the Bible really says this? I'm hard pressed to find any verses where Jesus taught or modeled such an idea. To me it just sounds like an excuse to hate those who think or act differently under the guise of spiritual sounding talk. Let me say so clearly that I'm the first one who doesn't love others as she should and who is the worst at obeying the second biggest commandment. There are so many people I really don't like. REALLY don't like. But when we claim to be loving others and at the same time really 'dislike' them (read that: hate) in our hearts, that's not love. And in doing that we're not only disobeying Jesus, but at the same time patting ourselves on the back and thinking we're such good Christians. God help us. God help me. I don't want to be like that anymore.

2. Let's talk about judgment a little bit. I used to think it was okay to judge someone as long as I made sure I didn't falter in that area of my own life first. Now I don't think so. What happens when we judge? We set ourselves up as someone else's master instead of leaving that job to God (Rom. 14:4). And I'm not talking about church discipline, but about "the people that you meet when you're walking down the street, it's the people that you meet each day" (I think Sesame Street is right on about who's my neighbor).

My high school biology teacher had a friend who'd undergone cancer treatment and lost his hair. One day the two were walking together in a mall when a woman saw them and berated my teacher's friend for being a neo-nazi.

A girl I know of had her baby with her on the bus one day, and a woman said to her, "I don't know how you do it, being a single mother and having to take public transportation!" To which this girl replied, "My husband has our car at work today."

There are a million more examples.

What possesses us to think we can make these assumptions? What convinces us that we have all the facts? I'm sure that even if we think we know someone else's situation, there are details we're missing. Why not leave the judgment to God? We're not even competant anyway! Our job is to love others, not judge them. I don't think those who are focused on loving have the time to judge.

I heard a song today that's pretty relevant and probably what reminded me of this topic today. It's 'Does Anybody Hear Her?' by Casting Crowns. Great song.

3. A guy friend of mine told me recently about XXXchurch, a website with help and downloadable accountability software for people enslaved to pornography. I think it really is the odd guy (by that I mean uncommon, not abnormal) who doesn't struggle with porn; most do. People are on both sides of the fence about the site - there's some fun 'hate mail' you can read to learn what certain Christians and nonChristians think about it all - but it looks pretty effective to me. The software is cool. According to the website, this is what it does: "Whenever you browse the Internet and access a site which may contain questionable material, the program will save the site name on your computer. Approximately every 30 days or 2 weeks (depending on your preference), a person of your choice (an accountability partner) will receive an email containing all possible questionable sites you may have visited within the month. This information is meant to encourage open and honest conversation between friends and help us all be more accountable." Good stuff for dealing with bad stuff. I applaud every guy who makes a concerted effort to get away from porn.

4. Do you think it's possible for major poverty to be wiped out in one generation? Why not? Jars of Clay's aid organization, Blood:Water Mission, has a goal to build one thousand wells in Africa, providing clean water in rural areas. Imagine men and women with HIV/AIDS having a prolonged life because the spread of preventable disease was slowed as they now have clean water. Imagine children not having to walk miles every day for water but instead being able to go to school.

"We shall not finally defeat AIDS, tuberculosis, malaria, or any of the other infectious deseases that plague the developing world until we have also won the battle for safe drinking water, sanitation and basic health care." - Kofi Annan, United Nations Secretary-General

www.bloodwatermission.org says that $1 provides one year of clean water for an African. The goal is to build a well in 1000 communities, most wells costing between $2000 and $5000 US depending on location and the difficulty of drilling. Worth it, since 80% of all deaths in developing countries are caused by water-borne illnesses.

Well, that should give you some things to chew on. I'll try not to take so long to blog next time! Thanks for hearing me out!

Another Quote, Check it Out!

I've updated my July 5th post of Quotes by Friends and Family... there's now a good one by Elizabeth (and I have permission to reprint it... though.... I may have reprinted it anyway!)

I'll have new posts coming soon, I promise! Thanks for waiting patiently, loyal friends!

Conversation Between My Brother, His 3-Year Old Daughter and Me, While Watching a Show Called 4 Square on Treehouse

Bryce (to me): "This show is really weird."

Mya: "It's not weird, it's different."

Bryce: "It's weird."

Me: "That is so weird."

(It really was. I guess it's good that Mya's learning to be tolerant, but the show was just nutty.)

How Unfortunate...

Today's Site of the Day on Sympatico is a good one.... The Gallery of Unfortnate Cards. Click here to see some very special (read that: especially weird) cards. Great for some laughs. I've also posted a link in my list so that you can search for the perfect card for any occasion.... that is, if you have a really wacked sense of humour kind of like my own. Enjoy!

Are You a Dirty Mennonite?

Heehee.... here's another quiz.... my results weren't too surprising, but I am only 27% Mennonite (if I was full blown I'd be a very dirty Mennonite indeed) .... Forward this to your Mennonite friends!!

Click here...