Billy Ivey's Open Letters to Trojan, Part 4

09-15-06
Dear Trojan…
OK, OK… That was a little harsh. It is a miracle. I mean look! It’s only been 10 weeks and the little bastard already has hands. That’s cool! But that’s not the point. If you lived here you’d understand. We made a very intentional, mature and confident decision based on our trust in YOU… and you failed.

And because of your failure, I get to live with Beelzebub for the next five months and 13 days. That’s all I’m sayin’.

She knows it. Just ask her.

But be careful in your approach. She’s kind of pissed off, too. Have I mentioned that she threw up in the refrigerator?

Yeah. Walk softly and carry a big friggin’ stick, there, Skippy.

*****
09-21-06
Dear Trojan…
She’s feeling better during the daytime. She even claims “energy” between the hours of 8 am and about 5:30 pm.

I get home from work at six.

And that’s precisely the time of day she remembers that you suck, and everything becomes my fault… again.

When she broke the dish last night, I got slapped because I put it on the wrong side of the correct cabinet the night before. She used to give me sex because I put them up at all. But that’s where you pricks came in (i.e., Benjamin and Merrie Cannon).

Thanks for nothing.

*****
09-23-06
Dear Trojan…
Mornin’ dickheads.

I get to change all diapers. All of ‘em. I got called on my cell phone last night so I could rush home to change a Pamper… “Hurry! Ben just wet his diaper!”

A wet diaper. Pee, not poop. Baby-boy urine. That’s all.

But, if I’m within 2 miles of a diaper in need of discard, I’m the go-to guy.

And, thanks to you no-good crapbags, there’ll soon be more diapers to change! But for now let’s focus on the problem at hand… and on hands and clothes and beds and floors and…

*****

09-25-06
Dear Trojan…
She gags, Trojan.

And I mean gaaaaags. These aren’t the “brushing your teeth and accidentally go too far back on your tongue” kind of gags. These are doubled-over, lurching, back-breaking, turn so red you get purple and almost fall down, body heave kind of gags. It’s like Amityville Horror every time somebody takes a leak!

You should see these gags.

Oh, and I pray that you will, Trojan. “May your wives be impregnated and your houses full of kicking, screaming, peeing, pooping bundles of ‘joy’.”