Billy Ivey's Open Letters to Trojan, Part 1

I discovered these gems a while ago on the Burnside Writers Collective. Billy's wife is pregnant with their fourth child (unplanned). Billy blames Trojan.


"Edwina’s insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase."
-Raising Arizona

Lucky sumbitch.

*****

07-25-06
There's no easy way to say this out loud, so I thought I'd write it down and then accept your commiseration throughout the days/weeks/months ahead.

I will need your support, prayers, understanding, and beer now more than ever before. Here goes:

My wife is pregnant. She is due some time around Valentine's Day. And don't say "Awwwww," because we do not consider that cute, romantic, "fun," or "how appropriate."

Yes, this will be child number four. No, we were not trying to get pregnant. And, yes, we know what causes this sort of thing.

In fact, if anyone asks me the question, "Don't you guys know what causes that sort of thing?" I might stab you with a pencil. We've been asked that question as a reaction to our previous three "announcements" innumerable times, and it is quite frankly getting a little old.

Anna Beth, Benjamin and Merrie Cannon are all wonderful kids. They are beautiful, smart, individual and perfect in their own little ways. So, it's difficult to not be a little bit excited about bringing a new Ivey into the world; we just weren't counting on it any time soon (at all, really).
Let's just say that TROJAN is gonna get a nasty little note from Yours Truly throughout the next 18+ years.

*****

07-26-06
Dear Trojan… Thanks for nothing, a-holes.

99.9% my hairy, white arse.

*****

07-29-06
Dear Trojan… My wife threw up in the kitchen sink last night.

Our disposal is broken, you bastards.

Thanks a lot.