God's Creation Blog

Don't we all want to know just what exactly went on during the week of Creation? Now we can!

Check out God's Creation Blog!

Sounds Fischy! (But This is a Good Fischy)

I've come across a few new things this morning that I'd love to share with y'all. A friend of mine sent me an article from a website called The Fischtank and today I read it and delved into the contents of the site, which is written by a musician and author named John Fischer. It has various news, tidbits, and thoughts to ponder. So far my favorites are his Articles and In The Tank thoughts, both of which can be commented on. The said article is called Fearless Faith and is an excerpt from his book of the same name. He's written some useful and thought-provoking articles that I think I'll enjoy for a long time to come, so I've placed a link to his homepage under my "Stuff I Read."

The World Vision AIDS Test

Click here to test your knowledge of AIDS around the world.

You might be surprised.

I Love in the Abstract

"It is not love in the abstract that counts. Men have loved a cause as they have loved a woman. They have loved the brotherhood, the workers, the poor, the oppressed - but they have not loved [humanity]; they have not loved the least of these. They have not loved "personally." It is hard to love. It is the hardest thing in the world, naturally speaking. Have you ever read Tolstoy's Resurrection? He tells of political prisoners in a long prison train, enduring chains and persecution for the love of their brothers, ignoring those same brothers on a long trek to Siberia. It is never the brothers right next to us, but the brothers in the abstract that are easy to love."
- Dorothy Day, social activist and founder of the Catholic Worker movement. Nov. 29 was the 25th anniversary of Day's death. (Sojo Mail's source: Daily Dig.)

And Sometimes I'm Perplexed

It's been forever, I know. And I'm sorry. Man, the way you guys want new posts from me makes me feel so popular! Thanks! ;) I do have some things to say, but there's so much in my brain that's jumbled lately, thoughts on this and that, but not very many conclusions. And I hate to leave you without conclusions, but maybe it's okay to do that sometimes. I guess that's what we do here anyway: we post stuff and then have little discussions in comment form. I didn't want my page to be a "This is the be-all and end-all and that's that" type of blog, but just various things I think about, like (or maybe don't like), and want to share with those I like.... which is YOU!

So today's post is part rant, part awareness raising, and partly random thoughts.

1. Who ever came up with the notion of, "I can love so and so, but I don't have to like them"? Do we think the Bible really says this? I'm hard pressed to find any verses where Jesus taught or modeled such an idea. To me it just sounds like an excuse to hate those who think or act differently under the guise of spiritual sounding talk. Let me say so clearly that I'm the first one who doesn't love others as she should and who is the worst at obeying the second biggest commandment. There are so many people I really don't like. REALLY don't like. But when we claim to be loving others and at the same time really 'dislike' them (read that: hate) in our hearts, that's not love. And in doing that we're not only disobeying Jesus, but at the same time patting ourselves on the back and thinking we're such good Christians. God help us. God help me. I don't want to be like that anymore.

2. Let's talk about judgment a little bit. I used to think it was okay to judge someone as long as I made sure I didn't falter in that area of my own life first. Now I don't think so. What happens when we judge? We set ourselves up as someone else's master instead of leaving that job to God (Rom. 14:4). And I'm not talking about church discipline, but about "the people that you meet when you're walking down the street, it's the people that you meet each day" (I think Sesame Street is right on about who's my neighbor).

My high school biology teacher had a friend who'd undergone cancer treatment and lost his hair. One day the two were walking together in a mall when a woman saw them and berated my teacher's friend for being a neo-nazi.

A girl I know of had her baby with her on the bus one day, and a woman said to her, "I don't know how you do it, being a single mother and having to take public transportation!" To which this girl replied, "My husband has our car at work today."

There are a million more examples.

What possesses us to think we can make these assumptions? What convinces us that we have all the facts? I'm sure that even if we think we know someone else's situation, there are details we're missing. Why not leave the judgment to God? We're not even competant anyway! Our job is to love others, not judge them. I don't think those who are focused on loving have the time to judge.

I heard a song today that's pretty relevant and probably what reminded me of this topic today. It's 'Does Anybody Hear Her?' by Casting Crowns. Great song.

3. A guy friend of mine told me recently about XXXchurch, a website with help and downloadable accountability software for people enslaved to pornography. I think it really is the odd guy (by that I mean uncommon, not abnormal) who doesn't struggle with porn; most do. People are on both sides of the fence about the site - there's some fun 'hate mail' you can read to learn what certain Christians and nonChristians think about it all - but it looks pretty effective to me. The software is cool. According to the website, this is what it does: "Whenever you browse the Internet and access a site which may contain questionable material, the program will save the site name on your computer. Approximately every 30 days or 2 weeks (depending on your preference), a person of your choice (an accountability partner) will receive an email containing all possible questionable sites you may have visited within the month. This information is meant to encourage open and honest conversation between friends and help us all be more accountable." Good stuff for dealing with bad stuff. I applaud every guy who makes a concerted effort to get away from porn.

4. Do you think it's possible for major poverty to be wiped out in one generation? Why not? Jars of Clay's aid organization, Blood:Water Mission, has a goal to build one thousand wells in Africa, providing clean water in rural areas. Imagine men and women with HIV/AIDS having a prolonged life because the spread of preventable disease was slowed as they now have clean water. Imagine children not having to walk miles every day for water but instead being able to go to school.

"We shall not finally defeat AIDS, tuberculosis, malaria, or any of the other infectious deseases that plague the developing world until we have also won the battle for safe drinking water, sanitation and basic health care." - Kofi Annan, United Nations Secretary-General

www.bloodwatermission.org says that $1 provides one year of clean water for an African. The goal is to build a well in 1000 communities, most wells costing between $2000 and $5000 US depending on location and the difficulty of drilling. Worth it, since 80% of all deaths in developing countries are caused by water-borne illnesses.

Well, that should give you some things to chew on. I'll try not to take so long to blog next time! Thanks for hearing me out!

Another Quote, Check it Out!

I've updated my July 5th post of Quotes by Friends and Family... there's now a good one by Elizabeth (and I have permission to reprint it... though.... I may have reprinted it anyway!)

I'll have new posts coming soon, I promise! Thanks for waiting patiently, loyal friends!

Conversation Between My Brother, His 3-Year Old Daughter and Me, While Watching a Show Called 4 Square on Treehouse

Bryce (to me): "This show is really weird."

Mya: "It's not weird, it's different."

Bryce: "It's weird."

Me: "That is so weird."

(It really was. I guess it's good that Mya's learning to be tolerant, but the show was just nutty.)

How Unfortunate...

Today's Site of the Day on Sympatico is a good one.... The Gallery of Unfortnate Cards. Click here to see some very special (read that: especially weird) cards. Great for some laughs. I've also posted a link in my list so that you can search for the perfect card for any occasion.... that is, if you have a really wacked sense of humour kind of like my own. Enjoy!

Are You a Dirty Mennonite?

Heehee.... here's another quiz.... my results weren't too surprising, but I am only 27% Mennonite (if I was full blown I'd be a very dirty Mennonite indeed) .... Forward this to your Mennonite friends!!

Click here...

Quizzical (Revised)

You know those little quizes you can take.... the "What's My Personality?" quiz, the "What's My IQ?" quiz, the "What Does My Room Say About Me?" quiz, the "What's My Shopping Style?" quiz... (excuse me while I puke)... [Ok, to be honest, I have taken the IQ quiz and various personality quizzes in my lifetime, but I will NOT take a shopping quiz.]

Well, here's a quiz with a little more substance; at least it gets us thinking about theological issues and our views. Granted, some of the answer choices are far apart from the others, leaving little middle of the road options, but they're all right for the most part. And you can choose "Not sure." Basically, it's a "Which Denomination Would Fit Me Best?" quiz. (Because it's all about me, right?) Kind of fun. Especially if you manipulate answers your second time through to really wacky choices and see which denominations are the wackiest!

Click on this...

(And if, perchance, you don't like to be pigeonholed into a particular denomination, you may find the article "Christian Protoypes" in my April archives to be helpful - it is a very insightful depiction of categorizing Christians .... 'cause hey, we know we're not all the same!)

My Results...
1: Presbyterian/Reformed (100%)
2: Anglican/Episcopal/Church of England (92%)
3: Congregational/United Church of Christ (87%)
4: Eastern Orthodox (83%)
5: Baptist (Reformed/Particular/Calvinistic) (80%)
6: Pentecostal/Charismatic/Assemblies of God (61%)
7: Lutheran (56%)
8: Methodist/Wesleyan/Nazarene (56%)
9: Church of Christ/Campbellite (47%)
10: Baptist (non-Calvinistic)/Plymouth Brethren/Fundamentalist (46%)
11: Seventh-Day Adventist (46%)
12: Roman Catholic (43%)
13: Anabaptist (Mennonite/Quaker etc.) (27%)

Strange... I made one or two changes when I took the test again today, and all of a sudden I'm more Presbyterian/Reformed than Baptist (Reformed/Particular/Calvinistic)... who knew...

Lisa, on the possibility of adopting a retired Greyhound dog

"I think it would be ugly enough to be able to love if it was my own. "

Dihydrogen Monoxide Numbers

Got water?
$46 billion - Amount spent per year globally on bottled water
$1.7 billion - Amount needed per year beyond current spending to provide clean drinking water to everyone on earth
More than one billion - Number of people worldwide who lack reliable access to safe drinking water
80 - Percentage of world illnesses due to water-borne diseases

Source: Sojourners SojoMail, The New York Times

Big My Secret

I found the most intriguing, beautiful, and heartwrenching blog... and I barely know how to describe it. One guy has invited people to share their secret. The rules are that it must be true and it must be something they've never told anyone else and they can write it on a homemade postcard and mail it in to him, where he posts the images and secrets on his blog.

The website is www.postsecret.blogspot.com.

Some of the secrets make me chuckle; most make me cry. And, like some of the comments at the bottom of the site attest, I haven't felt this much compassion for strangers in a long time. There's something about finding out that other people are also human -- also vulnerable, also afraid, also sorting through these strange and unpredictable experiences of life -- that endears me to them. It's easier to love them and accept them. I'm convinced that's why Christ wants us to live in community, because we all know how hard it is to love others when they're strangers and seem to have nothing in common with us. When we have shared experiences though (hurts, traumas, dreams, and goals) we can better sympathize and empathize... in other words, show grace.

Some who have written comments about the site indicated that they did a similar thing: wrote or decorated a postcard and mailed in their secret, and expressed that it was incredibly freeing for their secret to finally be out, even if it was anonymous. Another person wrote that she did the same with friends -- they sat in a circle, each wrote down a secret and put it in a hat, and then took turns reading the secrets, and then owning them. And she said the resulting conversationg was better than any therapy session could ever be. One person calls PostSecret "a beautiful sorrow, a virtual wailing wall."

Of course this makes me question, What's my secret? And, Should I tell? Will someone recognize my writing and know it's me? I can remember two separate instances offhand where two different people shared with me something very personal, something that not many (if any) others knew. And I remember their reservation and guardedness as they told me. But in those two instances, I decided to tell them each a story of something similar that had happened to me, a way that I could relate to them. So I told them each a Big Secret of mine, something that I had never told anyone. And I will never forget the look of relief on their faces that there was someone else who understood and had experienced their sense of fear and guilt. I hope that people who send their postcard to PostSecret also get that shared feeling and know that they aren't alone. Because isn't that such a crafty thing that Satan does? We know our sin is bad in the first place, but then he convinces us that we're the only ones who do it and we had better not tell anyone, ever.

That makes me want to tell everyone my secrets and be completely transparent. So let's whisper to each other our secrets some time. Or write them on a card and have a little group therapy session. Or maybe instead of that I'll send one in to PostSecret.

Priceless

There's really something to be said for reading instructions. On high school exams, especially departmentals, we learned to read instructions and we suffered the consequences (ie. a wrong answer) if we didn't. I generally pride myself on being an instruction reader. When I get a new gadget or piece of equipment or something that I'm not exactly sure how to operate, I read the instruction manual first. I pretty much never just wing it, because it's important to me to do it properly.

Tonight I was minding my own business, paying some bills online when I did the stupidest banking thing I've done in a long time, and ALL because I didn't read the instructions. Hey, I've done this a million times, click, click, click, bill paid.... WRONG bill paid. Try $300 paid to a credit card that had no balance! [Cue Michelle being frustrated and wanting to wring someone's neck... except that I had no one to blame but myself and no one's neck to wring but my own .... But I'm not one for self-mutilation, so cue Michelle swearing and yelling.]

I called my bank. It would take 7-10 days just to get the request to the credit card company, let alone receive the money back into my account. I called the credit card company, but it will take 8 days for them to make a payment to the other credit card company or to refund the money to my account. In the meantime I have a bill that needs paying, but thank God there's no interest and I still have the money to make a sizable payment on it.

So my lack-of-reading-instructions-leading-to-great-frustration really didn't turn out to be a horrendous problem. Here's where I could leave off with "Rest assured I was on the internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world," or do the Bible school thing of ending every story with a little lesson of what God taught me. I'm not going to do that here, because I'm still annoyed with the whole situation, but the truth is that I'm prideful and too easily frustrated at times.

So rest assured I was on the internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world!

Famine in West Africa

It was two days ago that I first learned about the famine in Niger and surrounding countries. Not through the news (paper, tv, online or otherwise), but from someone else's blog and finally through the BBC World News. Famine in Niger? What famine in Niger? Oxfam estimates 3.6 million people are now facing starvation and CNN is now reporting this today, months after Niger appealed to the UN for aid after a locust plague and drought.

I found out about this famine the same day I ate a Skor Blizzard from Dairy Queen, and I know that I've been given the means to afford to buy Blizzards on occasion, but I still felt guilty and knew I had to do something. Because really, as wealthy as movie stars and other celebrities look to me and how I sometimes think, 'Hey, share the wealth,' I am that wealthy person to these people in West Africa and I can share the wealth. So I did today. I hope you'll do the same.

Go to http://kwleslie.blogspot.com/2005/07/comparing-news-shows.html and scroll down to the bottom for one guy's take on it.

But more importantly, go to www.oxfam.com and do something about it.

Because You All Want to Hear More About TomKat...

Ok friends, for every one who's interested in Tom's descent into madness and how weird his relationship with Katie Holmes is (as if we need proof)...

www.tomcruiseisnuts.com

You'll find Freaky Tom Facts, great quotes by Tom on Tom, Tom on Katie, Tom on Brooke Shields, Tom on Psychiatry, and other wonderfully laughable nuttiness. And for a sweet little Tom Cruise haiku (which I'd better not publish here in case the Scientologists find me and audit me to death), scroll to just over halfway down the home page.

As for how brainswashed Katie herself is, take a peek at this enlightening interview....

http://www.style.com/w/feat_story/070505/full_page.html

It all adds up to more freaky deakyness than you can shake a stick at.

a little something from Tigerlily...

On Sympatico's Site of the Day there's a hobbit (and elf) name generator, so I've inputed the names of some of my friends, and voila! Here's mine: Tigerlily Trample of Wooden End (but you can call me Tigerlily for short... or Tiger I guess.... rowrrr.....).

Lisa: Ruby Danderfluff of Willowbottom
John: Olo Danderfluff of Willowbottom
Joy: Pearl Deepdelver
Jenn: Myrtle Hamwich of Buckleberry Fern
Jason: Olo Gamwich of the Bree Gamwiches
Colleen: Orangeblossom Trample of Woody End
Shauna: Ruby Gamgee-Whitfurrows
Heidi: Belba Burrows
Elizabeth: Peony Hamwich of Buckleberry Fern
Warren: Mungo Hamwich of Buckleberry Fern
Alissa: Rosie-Posie Gamwich of the Bree Gamwiches

I Want a Big Mac, McDLT, a Quarter Pounder With Cheese (sing it!)

I frequently want to know the McDonald's daily "McDeal" sandwich special on days that I don't go home for supper before my evening plans begin. But because it can be hard to remember, I'm posting it here for a handy reference for myself and others. And it's a list! (Note to self: stay away on Mondays and Fridays!) Most of them aren't bad burgers for $1.79... if you don't mind G or H quality beef.... yummmmm..... aren't you tempted now?

Mondays: Big Extra
Tuesdays: Big Mac
Wednesdays: McChicken
Thursdays: Two Cheeseburgers
Fridays: Filet O' Fish
Saturdays: Double Cheeseburger
Sundays: Quarter Pounder with Cheese

Favorite Quotes by Friends and Family, a List

Elizabeth:

"Not that I was a dumb child, but I never understood Dominoes when I was little."

Heidi, in McDonalds:

"We were all dating jerks at that time... let's get some chicken nuggets."

Joy, experiencing road rage on our trip to the States:

"Come on you guys! I don't want to brake... your necks." (to a monster truck)

"We were doing so good... I mean, I don't want people to be unsafe, but just get outta my way!"

Colleen, having forgotten to wear a belt:

"I've been having trouble keeping my pants on lately."

Noel, on his habits behind the wheel:

"I drive erotic."

More to be added when I remember them! Ask me sometime about our unintentional puns... I'm not sure I should publish them here... hehe

Steve Martin, on being one of People Magazine's 50 Most Beautiful People

It's very hard being one of the most beautiful people. Having this kind of beauty is actually a burden. Sometimes I go to a party and not one of the other 49 most beautiful people is there. That makes me feel very solitary and alone, because it means I am the most beautiful person in the room.

If I'm going to a party where I know there will be 'less-beautiful people,' I try to 'dress down' in order to hide my beauty. But this seems to have a counter-effect of actually making me more beautiful. I guess me and dungarees are a pretty potent combination.

I try not to lord my beauty over others. This is very hard. I try not to mention that I am one of the most beautiful people, but somehow it always comes out. I will usually only bring it up when I'm asked to do a task, like open a garage door. People seem to enjoy my beauty and are genuinely happy for me, because after I mention it they always say, 'How nice for you.'

Shades of Truth (More of a Reminder for Myself than Anything Else)

I get the weekly devotional from The Project emailed to me, and last week's is one that I want to remember, so I'll publish it here. In the meantime, perhaps it may speak to others as well (all 3 of you who read my blog). :) CS Weirsma will be leaving Millwoods Pentecostal at the end of the summer to be part of a new church aimed at young adults in Toronto. That makes me sad, because I think his sermons are the greatest thing since sliced bread, and I'd like to make it to the Sunday night services as often as possible before he leaves. If anyone is interested, sermons can be downloaded by going to mwpa.com and clicking on The Project.

There are systems of thought that are effective at “getting the job done”. Revenge is a powerful motivator. Hate can bring a clarity of thought and purpose. And envy can make you work harder than you ever have before. Of course we also know that as effective as these kinds of thoughts may be, we also know they carry terrible baggage with them. Or at least that’s what we’ve been trained to think.

The trouble is, in our own hearts, it’s not always so easy to categorize our thoughts. “This is envy and I’ve got to stop it” or “This is self pity and it will lead to nowhere” are not the kinds of things we tend to think about the things going on in our minds. But maybe we should.

Your entire life will be an elaborate dance with the subtleties of human nature and the dark shadows of your own heart. It won’t always be these full blown examples of weak thinking that will cost us our potential. More often than not, I think, it’s about the all too hard to detect beginnings of them, and the shades of mixed thoughts we actually tend to think. Envy dressed up as “passion”. Revenge masquerading as “justice”. And hate denied all together, telling ourselves “Just because I forgive doesn’t mean I have to forget.”

Do you know who you are? Do you know what actually holds you from your potential? Do you practice a dressed up version of these thoughts that “get the job done” but will leave you far from where you want to be in the end? Jesus said there are 2 paths in life. The one that leads to life is narrow. That means: hard to find, hard to stay on, and few people traveling on it. Are those the kinds of decisions you are making? (Searching carefully, choosing wisely and set apart).

Just a thought.

A Lot of Pretty Things

Is this not the cutest thing you've ever seen? At first glance, perhaps, but read on. It was a "Find of the Week" a few weeks back on foundmagazine.com. Cool website, really... makes me want to pick up other people's garbage and analyze it.

The author of the note is probably a boy, and has made a cute gesture of writing the "o" in "to" as a heart, if that was intentional. What I'm wondering though, is if he is going to buy the pretty things and offer them to his girl (or the girl he wants to be his) with premeditated shyness, then is it really so shy? It seems he wants to do it to appear shy and that he really likes her, but then why would he tip her off to this fact? Why tell her beforehand? He might as well say, "I want to give you a gift and appear shy as I do it so that you'll think it took a lot of courage for me to give it to you... but really it doesn't take that much courage because I'm telling you about it before it even happens. This is all part of an elaborate ploy to get you to like me... isn't that smart for an eight-year old?" And if the girl isn't as smart as the boy, maybe she'll think this note is the cutest thing she's ever seen.

My Nose Knows

Another list. This one is my favorite scents, in no particular order.

rain
the ocean
a forest
roses
the smell of the Christmas tree in my house in December
mountain fresh air
fresh bread
Escape for Men by Calvin Klein
gasoline
Jiffy markers

Listaholic

I love lists. I write a To Do list every day and frequently add to my Things I Plan to Research list, my Books/CDs I'd Like to Learn More About and Possibly Buy list, my List of Favorite Websites, and so on. There are probably 2 or 3 little pieces of paper in my pocket every day with a list written on each one. It's so prolific, a friend from college eventually gave me a little coil notebook specifically for list writing. My Book of Lists (not to be confused with the actual published Book of Lists or Lists to Live By, which, of course, I own) now contains various lists about my thoughts, ideas, things I like, etc. That's also what my blog is about, so over the next while I will be publishing one little list at a time for your viewing pleasure. And mine.

I'll start with a list of a few of Lisa's and My Theories...
- Most British people look a little bit inbred (Lisa)
- If you run through rain, you'll get wetter than if you walk (me)
- If you've never broken a bone as a child, you'll never break one as an adult (Lisa)
- The best love ballads are sung by country and hard rock bands (me)
- If you can't roll your tongue, you can't whistle (Lisa)
- Contrary to popular opinion, there are no good looking men in Australia that are Australian (me)

If you don't agree with any of my theories, please let me know and I'll reconsider the theory based on your evidence and tests.

Next list coming soon!

Scared of Being Scared

I'm really fascinated by what Don Miller says in his chapter called 'Worship' in Blue Like Jazz. I think what he's saying is true of me - in my desire to understand all of my experiences and why everything that happens is, I attempt to dissect God and His ways. I analyze and think and ponder all angles until I fear I am going crazy. But I think I do this so that I won't be confused, won't be mystified, so that God and life won't be mysterious anymore. And if I can understand all of the hows and the whys I think it will be easier to deal with what happens, and perhaps be able to control my life.

But maybe it's okay to be confused sometimes... like a writer on Boundless wrote, maybe it's not a failure to be confused... maybe it's okay to be uncertain for a while. I know what confusion and uncertainty usually lead to for me - a lot of anxiety. And to lessen the anxiety and try to get some sort of peace, I dissect, and dissect, and dissect ("Why would he/she do this? What does this mean? When will such and such happen? What kind of purpose could this possibly serve? What the heck is going on?" etc.).

Would my heart be more open to a perspective of awe and wonder of God if I allowed myself to sit in my state of confusion and uncertainty a while longer? If I was still would it become clearer to me that He is God? Would it more easily lend itself to hearing His voice? When I'm distressed and stressed and asking Him a million questions in my state of suffering or perplexity, I don't seem to hear His voice very well. Is He waiting for me to quit asking questions and just sit with Him? And that way better hear from Him?

While discussing the enormity and possible endlessness of the universe, Don says:

We have two choices in the face of such big beauty: terror or awe. And this is precisely why we attempt to chart God; because we want to be able to predict Him, to dissect Him, to carry Him around in our dog and pony show. We are too proud to feel awe and too fearful to feel terror. We reduce Him to math so we don't have to fear Him, and yet the Bible tells us fear is the appropriate response, that it is the beginning of wisdom.

By my concordance I can see that Paul used the word "mystery" 15 times in his letters. I'm going to look up the references and see what all he described as a "mystery" - clearly he couldn't figure them out, even he who had seen Jesus face to face on the road to Damascus and had received direct revelation from God in Arabia.

Too much of our time is spent trying to chart God on a grid, and too little time is spent allowing our hearts to feel awe. By reducing Christian spirituality to formula, we deprive our hearts of wonder... At the end of the day, when I am lying in bed and I know the chances of any of our theology being exactly right are a million to one, I need to know that God has figured things out, that if my math is wrong we are still going to be okay. And wonder is that feeling we get when we let go of our silly answers, our mapped out rules that we want God to follow. I don't think there is any better worship than wonder.

Holy Sonnet XIV

This poem by John Donne is one of my favorites, and one that I've been thinking about lately. The times I think I am free, when I do my own thing and think I don't need God's direction, I am actually in bondage, and in slavery to the devil. Donne's prayer in the form of this poem comes to mind when I remember the fact that my freedom in Christ is only found in being His slave. It is a paradox of unimaginable beauty.

Batter my heart, three-person'd God; for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn, and make me new.
I, like an usurp'd town, to another due,
Labour to admit you, but O, to no end.
Reason, your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.
Yet dearly I love you, and would be loved fain,
But am betroth'd unto your enemy;
Divorce me, untie, or break that knot again,
Take me to you, imprison me, for I,
Except you enthrall me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except you ravish me.

Christian Prototypes by Andy Fletcher

There are many different types of Christians. There are Catholics and Prostestant, Baptists, Presbyterian, Lutherans, Four Square, Full-Gospel, Pentecostal...and so on.
I have come to realize that these denominational divisions don't mean very much, mainly because there are many types of Christians within each denomination. There are Catholics who act more like Baptists, and Baptists who act more like Episcopalians...and so on.
There is really only one way to divide people up meaningfully into Christian prototypes: Darn Christians, Damn Christians, S--- Christians, G--D--- Christians, and F--- Christians. Let me explain...
A Darn Christian will use words like darn, shucks, shoot, heck, gosh... and so on. A Damn Christian will use words like damn and hell. That's about it for Damn Christians, because it is a short hop from there to S---, along with prefixal forms like B--S---. It is from there a large jump to G--D--- Christians, who tend to be Catholics or bourbon drinking Southern Baptists. The lower forms of Christians view G--D--- Christians with distaste, generally because of using the Lord's name in vain and stuff, as in, "What in God's name are we doing in Nicaragua?" (a paraphrase of "What the hell are we doing in Nicaragua?")
The end of the line is, of course, F--- Christians, also known as the F-Word Christians. They are found writing for magazines like The Door and in politics, where using the F-Word in clever ways is part of the entrance exam... as F-Word Christian James 'Secretary of State' Baker did when he said "F-Word the Jews," the saying of which, as a general policy, is neither good politics nor good Christianity, not to mention not very thoughtful or nice. He did do this in relative private, which means he was only in front of the journalists he trusted to not print the quote. (Oops, I would say something here about journalists in general being F-Word heathen pagans, but I don't want it to get back to them.)
Using the appropriate form of these words defines what kind of Christian one wants to be. I knew a woman once who chastised me for using the Word darn in front of her college-age daughters. She later on committed egregious sexual sins with another woman's husband (though she did marry him, eventually), and her college-age daughters, apparently grossly affected by my language, also had rather more fun with boys than one would have expected from Christians who weren't even Darn Christians... or Damn Christians, to be consistent with our thesis.
All of this is to say the Darn Christians can be pretty downright legalistic about their beliefs, putting lots of stock in keeping one's filthy mouth cleaned right up and using liberal amounts of soap to clean those filthy mouths. (Excuse me, by the way, for using the word liberal right there. It means 'lots and lots' in this context, not 'commie pinko.' When it means 'commie pinko,' it will be capitalized like all the other Words.)
Darn Christians feel that in order to present a good religious front to the world at large, one should not swear, drink, smoke, wear two-piece bathing suits or show your navel at any point in life (except, maybe, childbirth), swim in the same water with people of the opposite sex, dance, think about dancing, vote Democrat, drive faster than 55 mph (even in Europe where it's legal), go to movies that might include scenes of passionate handholding or dancing or any words stronger than (you guessed it) darn, read books without 'Jesus' (or near relative) in the title, listen to Amy Grant (who sometimes sings secular songs, which is just like using some of those really bad Words) or to any non-Christian music written after 1956... and so on. Darn Christians are very, very moralistic, and their daughters tend to get married and have babies about six months later. It's a miracle.
Darn Christians are the ones who get to help translate the Bible, which is why, when the darn Christians helped King James (who was a little gay, if you want to know the truth) translate the Bible into the King James Directly From God Version And The Only Version Of The Bile That Any Of Us Will Ever Need, they left the dirtiest verse in the Bible clean out so as not to offend any of the Darn Christians who might someday read it and fall from grace. Let it be revealed here for the first time that the dirtiest verse in the Bible - the verse that will never be read from a pulpit, the verse formally omitted from the real Bible - is Ezekiel 23:20. The only place you can read it in its fullness is in the New International Version, which is translated by S--- Christians. Obviously. The Damn Christians translated all the other modern editions, which include the dirtiest verse in the Bible, but only in a non-offensive sort of way.
Even the S--- Christians wouldn't put the word S---, which the apostle Paul said not infrequently, into the Bible, preferring to use the word Dung. Or dung, I guess, since it doesn't seem to be a Word. Also, when Paul the apostle told those Damnfool circumcisers to go ahead and emasculate themselves, the S--- Christians chickened out again and said emasculate instead of what it really says...which I can't say since I am a S--- Christian. Only F-Word Christians would put the Word S--- in the Bible, and none of the Damn Christians are going to let them try.
It must be said some Darn Christians sometimes say Damn or S---. These are the Darn Christians who live in farming communities. When they say these Words, they are not making a Theological Statement or adopting a Philosophical Position. They live on a Damn farm, and they are always stepping in S---. It's environmental.
Damn Christians are the Liberal Darn Christians. The say damn every now and again, but they always feel a little wicked when they do. It's a good wicked though, not evil wicked. They are striking a blow for Male Bonding. When Damn Christian men get together to Bond Male-ly, it is necessary to say damn, play some golf, and maybe smoke a big see-gar. Damn Christian men wear suits, work in offices, and have expense accounts. They are not quite so worried about dancing, swimming with ladies, or drinking an occasional beer. They won't talk about these things in church though, where they are usually deacons and pretend to be darn Christians. The stuff they do when Bonding Male-ly is like a hobby. Sort of adolescent.
There are no Damn Christian women. Damn Christian men are married to Darn Christian women. A woman who dares to be a Damn Christian would cause so much talk, we'd have to have the deacons meet with her and cast that Jezebel out.
S--- Christians are my favorite. They use the word S--- to impress everyone with how open-minded they are. They will wear bikinis, drink white wine, see R-rated movies, and read D.I.I. Lawrence. Abortion makes them squirm, as does homosexuality, but they might vote Democrat, and they like poverty programs. They think too damn much and talk too damn much, usually use the S-Word with discretion... but only with like-minded S--- Christians because Damn and Darn Christians will wonder whether or not the S--- Christians are really saved. It is dangerous for a S--- Christian to marry a Darn Christian. Unequally yoked and all that. S--- Christians study foreign languages, want their kids to speak French, refuse to watch Geraldo or Oprah, listen to National Public Radio, and would die to be published by The Door... but can't because you have to be an F-Word Christian to do that. S--- Christians buy Rich Mullins and Eric Clapton. When they drink a little too much white wine, they use the S-Word more than they really should and feel guity later. All things in moderation. They are uncomfortable around Darn Christians and G--D--- Christians. Very occasionally, when they are totally alone, S--- Christians will use the F-Word in a moment of pique. They feel bad though.
G--D--- Christians make me uncomfortable. The Catholic ones are OK because they don't know any better. Somebody told them that the surest way to get to heaven was to let the Pope worry about it, not to use birth control, and to not worry so much about swearing, drinking, smoking, sex, dancing... and so on. As couples, they tend to live in sin together and not feel guilty except about using birth control, and they swear like sailors but don't really mean it. They can be pretty great Christians apart from this thing with Mary, a few saints, the priest bit... and so on.
It's the Good Ol' Boy G--D--- Christians that make me squirm. The bourbon thing is not the issue. It's the racial thing that gets to me some. They're living 1850, some of them. With their opinions about their 'wimmen' and politics, it's 1950. They watch Hee Haw, read Danielle Steele and Stephen King (if they read at all), and spend all day Saturday watching football and drinking beer. American beer. Six-packs. Got the National Enquirer on the coffee table, under the beer cans. Belong to the National Rifle Association. Cherish their God-given right to own guns. Put on white hoods for Halloween... and other festive occasions.
Last but not least, the F-Word Christians. These are the angry young men and women of Christendom. They could give a S--- about impressing anyone with how Liberal and open-minded they are. They are all upset over hypocrisy in the Church, rich Christians in fancy cars with attitudes about migrant workers, and global warming... plus nuclear energy, inner-city poverty, western economic imperialism, and the insistence some Darn Christians have on prayer in schools, flag burning, and the evolution thing... not to mention abortion, homosexuality, AIDS, measles, bloody-minded legalism, and a bunch of other stuff.
All the other Christians have significant problems with F-Word Christians because it's a pretty radical Word, after all, which people like Eddie Murphy have grown rich and famous using. It's not a Word one finds in the Bible, for instance.
Most of the other Christians would have trouble believing that F-Word Christians are really... well... Christians. I myself am not sure it is the unforgivable sin - or even the unforgivable Word... but I am not a Greek-and-Hebrew-speaking theologian-type. If I ever use a Greek word, it's most likely to be within a story I like to tell about watching Star Trek in English once in a crummy restaurant in Corinth. (That's in Greece.) So I may not be a good source of F-Word Christians. I have this feeling though, that Jesus is maybe a lot more impressed by their passion than He is upset with their language.
But what do I know? My greatest contribution to theology, so far, is to find and publicize the dirtiest verse in the Bible. Ezekiel 23:20. You heard it here first.

My First Post

Ok.... my first post. Numero un. Egy. (That's Hungarian... it's pronounced 'edge'.) Perhaps we're all wondering why I named my site 'Sometimes I'm Funny at Night.' It's because sometimes I am, and I couldn't really think of anything clever when put on the spot to choose a name. Doesn't it suck that we can be so witty at normal times of the day, but when forced to think of something good, all cleverness flies out the window. That's why I can be funny at night, because I don't feel pressure to be funny... it just happens naturally. See, this all ties in together...